His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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