i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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