Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize