There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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