I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize