can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
They have beer where we have blood.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
