No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
