My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
