I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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