A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize