I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
