I need to stop coming to work sober
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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