I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
