I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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