I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
