I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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