got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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