Im at strip club and am horny
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
