My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I touched a dick in church today
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
