The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
