You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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