Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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