my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
