dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
