my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I want her autograph on my taint
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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