Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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