Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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