Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
