I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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