What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
