Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
