I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I want to walk on stilts...naked
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
