I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
