Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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