My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My ATM looks so different sober.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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