Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
where are my eyebrows?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
