I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
3pm strippers are depressing
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
