I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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