Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
