I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
