There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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