Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
