we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
