You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
