I wish I only lived at night.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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