I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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