Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
