hotel room ftw
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
