I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
