I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
