I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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