I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
