I think i peed on brittanys purse
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I stole a fireplace last night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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