Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
