She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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