Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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