I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
