Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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