Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
