My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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