the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
