I wish I could punch you in the face.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
